Somewhere between happy…
And total fucking wreck… Is where I am. I’m not as tired as I have been for over half a year, but still not entirely sleeping properly. Anger is still there but a little more calm. I’ve just been feeling so out of it, like I don’t belong anywhere, have any kind of propose, or how I feel like some of the people I’ve always looked at as a friend realistically don’t give a shit about me. Even thought I might drive some of them crazy at times, doesn’t mean I think less of them, and I still would have done whatever I can for them, willfully, and have before. And sadly still kind of feel that way. The last year has been really hard on me mostly because of the pandemic. My store closing didn’t help much either but it was bound to happen because of a mess none of us had any kind of control over. I have no idea what the future for anything related to that is as of now if we are going to get a new space. And then there is the increase of violence happening to asians, that I started to notice was becoming a bigger problem than usual over a year ago, because people are blaming them for covid.
I’ve been on set too so that’s helped stabilize me. I also got my first shot of the covid vaccine which has also helped because in a way it’s like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But still need to be cautious for others because even thought I have some immunity for sure, doesn’t mean I can’t pick it up from another person later on and infect someone else the same day.
Have I finally started to psychologically recover? Is it starting sooner than I expected? I believe it’s too early to say because I worry I might have another crash sometime soon for no reason. My best hope is things will be about mostly clear by summer, and the fact I still have to say hope does depress me still because I have no idea what’s going to happen. Does this also mean the possibility of regular posts on here again, or anywhere? I don’t know, I still don’t feel too great, but let’s see how I feel in the next few days. There is still so little I care about, or even want to do anymore, But I’ll try. Let’s just see how I feel.